I rant therefore I am.

Creature discomfort

2009-12-06T21:53:00.003+05:30

The glass roof below me, hadn’t been cleaned since 1-2 days, there were visible dust particles and spots which looked like stick-on, that couldn’t be sticked-out. I could see a dried up bird poop where a psychedelic blue fly seemed to be sitting in a trance. It had been in the same position since 20 minutes or more, I had been noticing it since that time. It seemed to be in a fly meditation of sorts, sitting near the food (bird poop), or was it dead?

There is no way that I could get that fly to move, the smudgy glass window was being the culprit. I was seeing it get wasted, and somehow I wasn’t feeling comfortable in, letting go of foodotopia. I wish I could send it some sort of telepathic vibration and tell its fly brain, ‘Hellow, you fly, you are sitting on a poop mine! Eat it!’

Perhaps, the fly was feeling melancholic, or if it’s the female one, then I am sure it must have been suffering from fly PMS.

More than half an hour had flyed by… the fly was still there, pondering over its fly life… maybe it’s conserving its energy after having the poop or charting out how to get laid or attract other fly mates.

Meanwhile, a lot of breeze and sunlight has gone past it. And there it was motionless, as if it were planning its next life.

Little did it realize, that a mynah was hurtling down at godspeed for its Sunday grub. In a split second its motionless body was starting to gather momentum, but alas! Its movement was stopped and swallowed by the yellow beak.

My psychedelic fly’s transcendental melancholic state had become a perfect yogic meal for the discerning mynah.

Forgot and Found

2008-07-11T22:59:00.004+05:30

Problem: Amnesia

Topic: Mahabharat

Controversy: Big time

Source: Yuganta

Author: Iravati Karve

Result: Banned

Credits: Guy from Yahoo Messenger

For those who are still clueless, this is about my mahabharata post wherein i didn't name the source. Now that i got hold of the source, I thought I'd better educate you guys about it too...

Confessions of a Pigeon hater

2008-06-20T22:31:00.008+05:30

Most of them look at me like they've encountered a serial murderer, when i tell them i hate pigeons. Now in a country where pigeons are fed to become obese to appease innumerable Gods, there is a general feeling that i am committing moral as well as religious suicide with my confession. C'mon crows are better options than pigeons, they don't do Public Displays of Affection (PDA) in front of little kids playing near your window. Where does that entire ruckus about sex education go? Out on the window! What reason can you possibly come up with? Tell them the pigeons are doing weight training or that is pigeon WWF, see the one on top is Khaleel the bottom one is Undertaker.

I hate the sound it makes; I hate it so much that i don't want to type it! I hate the way it stares me down, as if I am the reason his mate turned lesbian. Dangerous liaisons occur in the pigeon kingdom too...but why the hell on my window? Go do it in the White House, as it is they symbolise peace (I reckon replacing a condom instead of an Olive branch, will do wonders for world peace). I hate the very fact that how can people live with its shit and feed it make more shit, no wonder Arctic ice melt is directly proportionate to the shit it shits.

I am gladly willing to work for ISRO or DRDO for free if they are into development of Pigeon Missile Technology. I am willing to share my idea for free on how to use pigeons for the protection of the country by using their shit as the war head. Surefire way to annihilate the scum across the border. Or perhaps we can send men covered in pigeon shit as cross border terrorists...these are some ingenious ways to use that impertinent bird of peace. This way pigeon will become a protected bird since there would be a decline in their numbers owing to their use in defense purposes. We will have Pigeon Sanctuaries, Pigeon Preservation centers... That would also take care of the extreme anger and violence that I feel when I look at the red legged avian.

I will no longer be spied upon like I am the commander of the guerrilla army of Cats. That would actually be a feast for my eyes…a round of hysterical laughter follows…with more ways to exterminate the Bird of Peace.

Kurukshetra in Virtualkshetra

2008-06-16T23:28:00.003+05:30

I had been wanting to write about this thing ever since i came across this article in TOI aeon's ago. Let me warn you there are lapses of memory hence the details are broken (nothing new though). It had this article which said that Pandavas were sons of Kunti and Vidur, and not exactly seeds of several Gods. Blasphemy! But i stand by it...how else could they be born? Pandava was impotent, Kunti was libidinous (remember Karna?) and it was written by some scholarly woman in early 1970's (it was around the era of Led Zep). Predictably our Indian Govt did what it did best, the book was banned.

I tried in vain to find out the name of that woman who wrote this version of Mahabharat and caused Mahabharat...Google God didn't come to my rescue this time :-(. I swear to the atheist God that i read...i read that damning article one sunday afternoon and jumped around like a monkey. It was the coolest and the most truest thing (i think) i ever read. I called my friends, told my folks who were at first stunned and then tried to put some Godly gyaan into my loony head saying 'Girl you will be shot dead by VHP!'.

As if i cared, all i cared about was finding that woman who is supposedly now living abroad and doing research (probably on Kunti & Vidur ;-)). She is blissfully unaware about the Mahabharat she caused in my life. I caught hold of every Tom, Dick and Harry (even someone i met like 5 mins back) and gave them this controversial gyaan just to see how they reacted :-P. I gave them hard facts as i knew it and asked them to provide me the most authentic version (now that's like finding needle in a haystack) of Mahabharat if they are really hell bent to prove me wrong.

Now Mahabharat is supposed to be the longest epic poems in the world till date. The Gita is revered by every Hindu (even the Wachowski brothers made Matrix out of it) on this planet and is considered to be revelation about life/truth by God himself. None would dare to raise a finger on Vyasa's adaptation of this epic, his version is supposed to be authentic. Coming to the big question, are we really reading the exact version of Ved Vyas? Since none of the versions available today can be said to be the right one. Ask any historian, researcher...history is never true!

Now why am i trying to malign Kunti you must be thinking? Well, for one thing i know, she was one hell of a lady. An impotent king for a husband, a kingdom which never belonged to him she had 5 sons with his permission, 1 before she got married (God knows about it!). Anyways the major thing here is, along with Draupadi (another fiesty lady with 5 husbands) she made Pandavas Kings of Hastinapur, which never really belonged to them. She is "The Woman" who made this epic. Had it not been for her, we'd never have had the fortune to ever read this engrossing epic which is revered by almost every hindu family. Not to forget the hugely successful TV serial it spawned, people it is said used to break coconuts whenever they saw Nitish Bhandari (Krishna) on screen.

I try day in day out to try to find out the unknown Lady's version of Mahabharat, i hope Gooogle God wakes up one fine day and throws up the Lady's name. So, next time i am in a battle regarding the mahabharat i know i can throw her into the field :-D.

PS: I think i've read she worked for ASI, hence she could gain access to many versions of mahabharata.

Disclaimer: Don't blame me if i hurt your sentiments. Blame TOI!

Existential Crisis

2008-04-20T19:35:00.007+05:30

Accept whatever comes your way, girl! Is a oft heard line for me these days. Each day represents yesterday except for the fact that my hair is graying at the speed of light. Perhaps accepting what is given to me might change the 'Groundhog syndrome' for the time being. But i prefer tying up my snow white hair in multicolored ribbons until i get what i want.

Now, what is it that i want? Right now i am suffering from the self proclaimed Existential crisis for the second time. C'mon all i am asking for is a decent job & pay! And I thought India's online market was/is full of clicks. Where did the booming click business go? (taken from the song 'Where did the blue skies go?')

The best thing about the current situation is, discovering Tom Waits, Carpenters and some of the best music i ever heard. Funny part is i am starting to like songs like "Golmaal Golmaal, every thing's gonna be golmaal..." by the way in earlier days i couldn't make out the damn lyrics. Not to forget the movies like My Sassy Girl (Korean chick flick), Fight Club (yet again)...

That reminds me of sending out an SOS to all my potential recruiters/employers/referrers/anyone remotely connected to my future employment & everybody in between as well as far off...

"I am willing to sell a Dead Wasp online to unsuspecting browser with a valid credit card"
"I am willing to relocate to Addis Ababa or Somalia whatever"
"I am willing to accept salary deposited in the Bank of Chambal."

Thank you all Period (.)

Chaos theory

2008-03-22T12:10:00.007+05:30

The year started with a bang! Fireworks in every department of my life. Arrogance, revenge, anger, ego name the sin/evil and it was doing its job like it's very life was dependent on it. Talk about the degree of similarity between fireworks and sins, i think both offer momentary lapse of reason. Both burn and perish, what is the outcome? Happiness, relief, sadness, regret...

It was like Deja Vu, history repeats and how well. I knew all of this was coming, but not this soon! Hats off to the speed of time, goes fast forward during such times and goes at turtle pace during office hours. Turmoil was happening akin to the fault lines of Indonesia (geographically very prone to earthquakes, volcanoes & tsunamis). And i thought i was the most unemotional person!

Then the chaos theory got into action. Heard of this famous line from it? "Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas." All it took was a virtual fight, which gathered momentum and got me into the unemployed segment of the society. When i look back it looks so hilarious that my story will easily get defeated by Shakespeare's 'Comedy of Errors'. And i thought my life was boring and uneventful.

I think i should get into the fray to write another chaos theory about 'The virtual sneeze turning into El Nino of the real world'.

Welcome to Beasley Street!

2008-02-27T22:42:00.013+05:30

I stumbled across this fabulous piece of poetry by John Cooper Clarke called 'Beasley Street'. I have been using the stanzas from the poem in my shutterbug operations like a woman possessed. I came across it when i was looking for popular slangs and phrases (internet truly is a El Dorado of our times).

Beasley Street

FAR FROM CRAZY PAVEMENTS

...THE TASTE OF SILVER SPOONS

A CLINICAL ARRANGEMENT

...ON A DIRTY AFTERNOON

WHERE THE FECAL GERMS OF MR. FREUD

...ARE RENDERED OBSOLETE

THE LEGAL TERM IS NULL AND VOID

IN THE CASE OF... BEASLEY STREET

IN THE CHEAP SEATS WHERE MURDER BREEDS

SOMEBODY IS OUT OF BREATH

SLEEP IS A LUXURY THEY DON'T NEED

...A SNEAK PREVIEW OF DEATH

BELLADONNA IS YOUR FLOWER

MANSLAUGHTER YOUR MEAT

SPEND A YEAR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

ON THE EDGE OF BEASLEY STREET

WHERE THE ACTION ISN'T

THAT'S WHERE IT IS

STATE YOUR POSITION

VACANCIES EXIST

IN AN X-CERTIFICATE EXERCISE

EX-SERVICEMEN EXCRETE

KEITH JOSEPH SMILES AND A BABY DIES

IN A BOX ON BEASLEY STREET

FROM THE BOARDING HOUSES AND THE BEDSHEETS FULL OF

...ACCIDENTS AND FLEAS

SOMEBODY GETS IT

WHERE THE MISSING PERSONS FREEZE

WEARING DEAD MEN'S OVERCOATS

YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR FEET

A RIFF JOINT SHUTS - OPENS UP

RIGHT DOWN ON BEASLEY STREET

CARS COLLIDE, COLOURS CLASH

DISASTER MOVIE STUFF

FOR A MAN WITH THE FU MANCHU MOUSTACHE

REVENGE IS NOT ENOUGH

THERE'S A DEAD CANARY ON A SWIVEL SEAT

THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE ROAD

MEANWHILE ON BEASLEY STREET

SILENCE IS THE CODE

HOT BENEATH THE COLLAR

...AN INSPECTOR CALLS

WHERE THE PERISHING STINK OF SQUALOR

...IMPREGNATES THE WALLS

THE RATS HAVE ALL GOT RICKETS

THEY SPIT THROUGH BROKEN TEETH

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS NOT CRICKET

CAUGHT OUT ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE HIPSTER AND HIS HIRED HAT

DRIVE A BORROWED CAR

YELLOW SOCKS AND A PINK CREVAT

NOTHING LA-DI-DAH

O-A-P

MOTHER-TO-BE

WATCH THE THREE-PIECE SUITE

WHEN SHITSTOPPER DRAINS

AND CROCODILE SKIS

ARE SEEN ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND

...A ONE-EYED MAN IS KING

BEAUTY PROBLEMS ARE REDEFINED

...THE DOORBELLS DO NOT RING

A LIGHT BULB BURST LIKE A BLISTER

THE ONLY FORM OF HEAT

WHERE A FELLOW SELLS HIS SISTER

...DOWN THE RIVER ON BEASLEY STREET

THE BOYS ARE ON THE WAGON

THE GIRLS ARE ON THE SHELF

THEIR COMMON PROBLEM IS

...THAT THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE ELSE

THE DIRT BLOWS OUT

THE DUST BLOWS IN

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT NEAT

IT'S A FULLY FURNISHED DUSTBIN

...SIXTEEN BEASLEY STREET

VINCE THE AGEING SAVAGE

BETRAYS NO KIND OF LIFE

...BUT THE SMELL OF YESTERDAY'S CABBAGE

AND THE GHOST OF LAST YEAR'S WIFE

THROUGH A CONSTANT HAZE

OF DEODORANT SPRAYS

HE SAYS ...RETREAT

ALSATIANS DOG THE DIRTY DAYS

DOWN THE MIDDLE OF BEASLEY STREET

PEOPLE TURN TO POISON

QUICK AS LAGER TURNS TO PISS

SWEETHEARTS ARE PHYSICALLY SICK

EVERY TIME THEY KISS

IT'S A SOCIOLOGIST'S PARADISE

EACH DAY REPEATS

UNEASY, CHEASY, GREASY, QUEASY

...BEASTLY, BEASLEY STREET

EYES DEAD AS VICIOUS FISH

LOOK AROUND FOR LAUGHS

IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE WISH

I WOULD BE A PHOTOGRAPH

ON A PERMANENT MONDAY MORNING

GET LOST OR FALL ASLEEP

WHEN THE YELLOW CATS ARE YAWNING

AROUND THE BACK OF BEASLEY STREET

Bitching bow wow!!

2007-07-22T23:35:00.000+05:30

Incredible India truly!! Give me name of any country run by a foreigner...after the country ends 500 years of foreign oppression...mere 58 yrs later...it is still run by one!

I have nothing against feminism or bra burning woman power...nor do i advocate chauvinism of men with balls or without it...i don't want to use my limited reserve of grey matter in these activities...you must be thinking...the heading says something...the content looks like a vomit of bile...i can understand that..coz i don't want to beat around the bush if you still haven't got the matter!!

The gist of the matter is...we are now officially a country run by an Alpha bitch who is supported by two bitches, whose one leg is in the grave and another on the edge of the Presidential chair and not to forget the Vice Presidential chair. And the most amazing thing about the soon to be called First Lady of India...advocates pallu...saying it saved women of Rajasthan getting raped during the Mogul era...tch..tch...and it's a symbol of virtue and a woman's place in the society...am i turning into a moron? I have no clue what she said after that..coz i was figuring the pallu which was first symbolised with female oppression suddenly taking a new turn...

Well... and 3 lakh votes went to the pallu wielding woman, who is a mother, has got in-laws and not to forget maika too!! Last heard they were bursting crackers and celebrating...i guess the woman whose one leg is in the grave might get more dowry...now don't ask how!!

Why am i making a mountain out of a mole hill...the reason is pretty obvious...that lady could've requested APJ to continue his tenure even when the Italian bitch asked her to stand against him...coz anyways the UPA is proving itself time and again to be an impotent opponent in front of the highly libidinous lady...

We are now officially a nation without balls...and not to forget a new phenomenon of getting raped by bitches!!

Truly incredible!!!

Greyscale lives

2007-03-04T11:55:00.000+05:30

Noises from the din of daily activites suddenly ceases when it hears a whisper. A whisper which has a resonating echo that it shatters the ear drums, a muted sound of violence which breaks out of its shackles of reason and emotion. An echo which makes lasting impact of a lifetime, an affair gone awry, a reason which is not a reason anymore, a pursuit which has been given up for a lost reason, nights of dreamless dream woken up with a memory of a nameless face.

A transmogrification bursting out of its mortified reality. An unreal world of shreiking walls and wails of the nightly skies, skies ripped of its stars and the moon. Colors lost in the dreams of insomniac nights of howling winds and whispers of the dead birds. Warm blood rushes through the veins frozen in time, thawing away the icicles of cells stuck to the walls of shame and ego. Inflated world of obese desires, ugly bodies,wads of money soaked in blood of dead dreams.

Life rolls on a boulevard of unspoken love, dead dreams, breath infested with the smell of sulphur, skin covered with scurf of placenta you were born with, a road cobbled with stones of misery and lost voices of desires killed prematurely. Skies losing allure of blue and turning grey with the filth of our shameless trivial pursuits.

Since when did we let all these walk all over us. We are reduced to a body stripped naked running on crowded streets of faceless people walking barefoot over dead bodies of themselves. A scream which refuses to escape from the throat choked with vomit of sorrow. A muffled cry waiting to explode under the thin veil of uneasy laughter. Where friendship is just for a name and marriage to cover the shame of dying alone.

Escape is just a wish away, a wish buried without any hope of finding it!

Comfortably dumb

2007-02-03T11:42:00.000+05:30

A typical day for me begins with waking up listening to my mother's sonic boom, or in my language it's called 'suprabhatam' or the morning raaga. Wish it sounded more like Pink floyd's see you on the dark side of the moon, for ruining my sleep at 9 AM early in the morning. Reason , i still havn't found anybody who's willing to employ me for the skill which is still in it's nascent stage, or rather, it's still having it's umbilical chord attached to my other skill.

Let's not get into pre-natal talk here, when i am already into my post natal stage ooops!! that would be my writing skills (that's the only thing i am good at) with which i plan to make some money, now i have no idea how am i going to do that....meanwhile i am getting comfortable sitting at home and becoming immune to the subtle and sometimes obvious hints that my folks give me to get my ass up and start earning. It's not that i don't want to work, but i am still figuring out what exactly i want to do....i know it actually sounds like "To be or not to be". Infact it's more like "What to be and What not to be".

Usually morning raaga follows with Follow the leader, where will the reader go then? that's the tagline of worlds largest circulating newspaper brand. The paper is becoming a cult like what Scientology is for Tom Cruise. Page3 has been torn off and made into a movie, wonder what bhelpuri wala's are using these days. Maybe the education times to pack their bhel to the uneducated labourer. Poor guy, had it not been for Page3, his bhel wouldn't have a dose of rising hemlines and dipping cleaveages, and Bobby darling ofcourse. After spending a good one hour in numbing my eyes and brain with printed words written by others, i try to pump up blood into the numb areas, filled with images of Queenie Dhody..is that a name...i guess a horse would be better off with name like Queenie Ghoda. And news about China's moon mission leading upto Tibet. Abhishek's birthday gift and his fiancee are on front pages, while people like Irom sharmila sink into pages which even the Bhelpuri wala doesn't want to use.

A heavy dosage of news on TV about some kid or the other inside a well and people praying for him, coupled with news about making a movie Tax Free as a birthday gift to some hair band welding moron who prides himself with former miss world in one hand and his dad's watch in another. Selling Fridges and getting cards on behalf of his father, where have all mamma's boys gone! Though some saving graces can be found in form of a cow selling chewing gum to a kid fighting mud pit to please his little sister. Thank god for little mercy that shone upon thy idiot box.

After numbing myself with the aforesaid activites, i check orkut , man...it actually changed my life. First thing i notice is which unknown person has visited my profile, it's actually a thrill to know that you can be noticed in the big big world of cyberspace. Which usually follows with me visiting their profile, and checking them out for myraid reasons. And then i finally check my scraps, which is aptly named scraps because they are mostly out there for everyone else to see.

All these things happen so mechanically that, sometimes i have to pinch myself if i live by printed word, or moving images or virtual sanity. These are the three things which consume major part of the day apart from afternoon raaga and evening raaga and some of my own insane thoughts about the world and life in general. I know i am boring, but i guess when life is exposed to vagaries like this, one becomes comfortably dumb.

Muted sounds of life...

2007-01-20T17:26:00.000+05:30

There are voices which, even when screamed out loud is never heard. The cries get buried and there is not even a sigh. The sounds which are waiting to explode, die without a fight. A song buzzing inside the head but is never sung, a muffled cry for help in a room full of known faces, a scream for company in an empty room , a sorry which was never said, a thank you to a stranger which got lost in the maze of thoughts.

We lead such pitiful lives, even with all these modes of communication, we haven't managed to say "I am lonely" in a room full of familiar faces. Walking down the street we search for a known face, but never return the smile of a child standing in the pavement. The urge to say 'hello' to the girl sitting next to you in the bus, drowns into the engine's sleepy whirring, masking thoughts forever. The nights when you cried yourself to sleep, waiting for a kind word and a warm hug but nobody heard you. Thoughts racing inside your head like freight train, while you lay yourself to sleep.

These are the sounds which never see the light of the day, just like us they too die a thousand deaths everyday.

Frozen food for overheated brain

2007-01-11T20:27:00.000+05:30

Television has become new-age microwave oven for the average indian viewer these days, the News channels thaw and cook variety of instant noodles for the man on the run. Gone are the days when the only source of News was Doordarshan, which practically lived upto it's name Far away news from our very own country.

You wait for the world news to know about Somalia bombings and Angelina's latest adopted baby from Somalia grabs the eyeballs, and the bombing news is just a teeny weeny scrolling newsline in the bottom of the screen. Even small black ants are visible on the granite flooring of your house, when compared to the scrolling news on News channel. If you want to know more about new food, then the menu is readily available on your favourite News channels...from Good Food to Non-edible food (want to know how Surender singh cooked his food?) everything is laid bare from the type of cooking oil to how it's going to be ejected out of your system. next day morning. And, the non-edible part is usually hosted by a guy who one would usually find in C-grade movies, trying to rape the heroines. And the way he mouths his lines on the channel about a grisly murder of a buffalo which ensured, a spell bound audience from the hinterlands of the Fodder scam state. They ensure "Satisfacton Garunteed" tagline for all their instant food content. For adults they ensure MMS and all SEX scams are shown at late nights, so your mid-night binges are satisfied! Now there's no complaint from the adult crowd right!!

That's the kind of training you get from running a successful Udipi Restaurants in peak hours. I bet they sure got their cooking lessons from the guy from Udipi.

For the young girls and bored housewives, there's instant food for you too...Sanjay Dutt AKA Munnabhai wants to give you some makeupgiri lessons in your local beauty parlor with totally imported Indian Make-up kit. And he's going to help that chinese lady to apply masacara on you for free!! If that doesn't satisfy your tummy urges, Karan Johar might help you with tips on how to make the perfect blend of coffee with Abhishek and Aishwarya giving you demonstration, of how to boil tea leaves for perfect coffee.

As for kids, oh yes!! they do remember that you guys exist on this planet...they have the best of fizzy drinks at your disposal, Krish supports Coca Cola and Don likes his french fries. So bachha log, go ahead since it is accredited of purity in Indian standards it's totally safe to eat and drink pesticides..oops Homicides..oops Pepsi Cola with a Double Maharaja Mac of organically g(k)rilled chicken.

And all you elderly Aunties and Uncles, how can we forget you!! Baba Ramdev is bringing homemade Ethical Gajar Halwa to your local mall!! You can find it next to Hindu cola that was launched last week. It's got blessings of Certain Bapu from Bapu's state. So it's perfectly fine, it will kill germs inside your body and bingo!! you can use it as a flush too..all in the name of God!!

And you guys thought you were starved for food for your brain. Turn on the TV where ethical food is given to you, all you need to do is thaw it, let it get warm and Lo!! it's ready. And whoever said, couch potato is an extinct species...here's a pack of french fries marketed by Big B. Buy Big B and Get one Aby Baby free.

This is not going to be interesting...

2007-01-08T19:02:00.000+05:30

I swear on all the aborted foetuses of the world, i had no hand in the execution of Saddam Hussein. And i was not in Manhattan yesterday, i swear on Blair and Bush my two heroes i've got nothing to do with it. It was just a harmless leak of Natural gas or whatever you call it. I did not fart or belch there alright. And to think they have got Air sensors too..think of what warnings it will give in Bombay...every five minutes it'll let off a siren warning everytime Rakhi sawant passes by that installation. Now don't ask me why i mentioned Rakhi, go ask Mika. Maybe it's for the same reasons he kissed her.

For instant publicity like maggi noodles ...Bas Do Minute...Walk to Siddhivinayak Temple with Abhishek and Amitabh Bachhan, the walk won't get over in Two minutes ..but you will surely get your Fifteen minutes of fame like Andy Warhol said. Your pictures will flash across all News channels for the whole day, when killings in Assam are not of much importance other than what kind of puja did they did there.

A trip to the Sincity of India..Goa for all ye lesser mortals...when entertainment on a cruise liner feels like Himesh Reshamiyya breathing down your neck with his mouth...reason..he sings through his nose. If that ain't enough the host of the loud obnoxious orchestra..with a weird accent in tow..asking kids, Men, Couples and Women to dance on stage where there's hardly anyplace to keep drums and a mic. They danced like they never danced before, a situation which looked like a crowded local train in peak hours where people stand tiptoe for space, dodging smelly armpits, loud ringtones belting out " Hey Ram.. Hey Ram" when all you can think is where is my Gun!! I guess the guy standing next to me is dead!! Omigod he stole my gun and killed himself.

And if you think this is interesting then wait for some more uninteresting stuff that i went through on my road trip last month. Hopefully i'll not be jailed for that Gun and dead guy. If i live in democracy then the next post will be out soon.

Narcissistic Endorphins

2006-12-24T12:36:00.000+05:30

Well, i may be asking too much baby, but i want me so bad....I've been bitten by a bout of narcissism. It is a feel good factor, narcissism is nothing but an overdose of endorphins. The feel good hormones which make you feel good...now that isn't a tag line for some product. And this isn't an article of narcissistic endorphins, it's just a passing reference to some hormonal disfunctionality.

BB king in the background with a fantastic guitar play and high pitch tone...and there's your endorphins. I may get a Phd for this who knows...let me get my papers and start jotting down about BB kings songs effect on the Thyroid gland. Now it's 'rock me baby',

Rock me baby, honey,
rock me slowYeah,
rock me pretty baby,
baby rock me slow
Want you to rock me baby, till I want no more.

I have no clue why romance is associated with rock, is it because you get stoned and you become blind when you are in love? A good music with rock me for lyrics, there goes the candlelight music in Bell bottom Blues. Think whatever, but this is what i think of word 'rock' in music.

I am having an overdose of endorphin attack these days, reasons myraid such as my best friend getting married today, someone special saved the world from potential threat, another one of my best buddy is thinking of getting hitched, the world i know is in love with something special. May their happiness multiply and divide, to hell with population!!

Rudeboxx

2006-12-04T13:51:00.000+05:30

If my last two posts were about complaints of life in general, this one should basically target me like "Nokia! connecting people". So what is applicable to my views of the world should connect me too...if you cannot figure out what i said...go get your IQ checked!

Well, isn't that rude, i mean if you don't understand what gibberish i wrote, you probably are retarded and there are chances that you suffer from low self-esteem syndrome. Same is the case with books like "Midnights children", Salman rushdie won a booker for it! So does it matter to people like me who thought it was the most nonsenscial book i've ever read, utterly disgusting story and characters. But since, i consider myself to be of higher IQ level i would say to you, man it's one of the most intelligent books ever written by any author either living or dead.

If i say i do not know how to use a loaded gun, then i get classified under the 'Trigger Moron' section of the society, so baby gimme the gun and see the result, consequences of action was never my lookout anyway. I don't care about grammer even tough i call myself a topgrade writer, do i need some guy or girl to tell me i am good at my trade, no! There's a wren and martin book gathering dust on my shelf, it's primary work is to gather dust anyway.

Volitaire said "common sense is not so common", yes it is an uncommon sight these days when people hardly use their brains to find out sense, that's because they use their hands and the bloody mouse, who named it mouse anyway a MORON! to find sense that they primarily lack.

Like the case of people waiting in the line for tickets or in the checkout counter, wish they could buy some grams of decency and most of all common sense, they expect the world for themselves, where else puny humans like us should consider ourselves to be the scum of the waiting line. That's the look we get when we don't budge and give them an easy pass for early exit. Darn! why don't we ever have emergencies like them. There's a dog bleeding on the road, or that kid got a lollypop stuck up his nose, let me go and help that old lady cross the road(even if she doesn't want to), it's such a hard thing to ignore. Give them some leeway will ya!

Do i need to prove my intelligence by giving exams on my memory, or Mensa test for that matter, it's set by another person like me anyway. So what if he knows quantum physics like the back of his hand, bet he cannot shoot peanuts from his nose, like my friend does. That's physics too, aerodynamics, pressure, control etc etc. I can win a nobel prize in physics if i write on "The Dynamics Of Shooting Peanuts Through Your Nose".

I know i am rude so what, do i need you to tell me that i am rude. No, i don't! you can go and check your IQ. I would rather have Ayatollah Khomeini giving me the award for my intelligence, than getting a booker prize from Queen's lawabiding citizens.

Morality Bytes

2006-11-30T10:51:00.000+05:30

Morality is a strait jacket of human nature, If morals and conscience were as important to us, we would have been living with Dodo's and the Roof of the world would have been a free place (am talking about Tibet if you don't know what it's called). Weapons as a word would not have been coined if anybody thought about morality, Oh god! what Uncle Sam and Mushy would've done, without their nuclear babies.

Iraq would've had Saddam killing shiites or sunni's , am not very sure who it is and Afghanistan would still have been run by Taliban, Uncle Sam would've got bored had it not been for his world view of 'The Ultimate Jhadoo Pocha to get rid of Terrorism'. Paris Hilton would have been Miss Nobody had it not been for her sense of morality tape! How many of you knew Paris before that, sparing the Eiffel Tower.

Natwar Singh would have been a king of petro dollars, and Ram Jethmalani would have been lauded for being true to his profession. Indian parliament wouldn't have been the same if it had not been for the good men working towards cattle subsidy and running the local train packed tax payers of the so called Tiger economy of the developing world, meanwhile the Dragon is lying low.

Had morality been an issue there would have been more people above poverty line and we wouldn't have had a religious place richer than the Vatican. Satyendra Dubey would have still been remembered for what wrong he did by leaking out the good work done by the moral police. The cart puller wouldn't have aspired for a MMS enabled phone had it not been for the NEWS channels beaming about sex education through MMS during the midnight masala time.

More people watch News channels than watching porn these days, see the good work done by conscience keepers of the society. The country where Zero originated and is heading right towards it, isn't it great, going back to your invention. No man is proud enough than the man who is going back to his roots, it's afterall his choice isn't it?

Morals never fed anyone, the arms dealer would've been another guy from somalia, looking for world peace. North korea wouldn't have been known had it not been for Pakistan helping it out with nuclear energy. See morals and conscience are not good fertilsers for humanity.

SI(g)NS Of Maturity

2006-11-28T10:24:00.000+05:30

You know, you are on the wrong side of human nature when you resist the urge to eat the bar of chocolate. Instead you read the calorie details on the cover of the chocolate, and put away the slab of sugary mound of cocoa. A slice of cheese in a sandwhich which you had in the evening puts you on a guilt trip to the local gym the next day,where you workout like you are running away from some hurricane katrina.

Minding language in front of kids is now a serious issue, god forbid if that little guy ever hears you saying C@$#ya, A@#$%le, F$#k!! When dropping by to your friends house without any gifts raises serious questions for your conscience, especially when you don't give them a notice beforehand (gone are the days when you barged into his/her house and headed straight for the fridge).

Hitting the bed at 2 AM is only restricted on weekends (it's like the day when there's not a single casualty in Iraq), the other days you are blissfully snoring away to glory (snoring is a norm when you are on the wrong side 'eh). Worst part of it is you cannot say no to your mom to accompany her to buy grocery!!

To the hell i''ll be damned if i do not say that people have now started calling me mature!! Curse befall me if i say something and i don't keep my promise.....

It's like some guy telling me "Smoking actually kills" and he's actually put off the weed for good. Man it's like eyeing the ice cream of your sister's kid, saying no when you are really killing yourself inside for it. More so when you check out your friend's boyfriend and ogle inside while keeping a straight face and cursing yourself under the breath, why god why me!!

This is what i called a cursed reaction to a rather pallid stupor on your face. You know it! this is called Sins of maturity as in signs of maturity.

Who do you blame now? (The damned human emotion, which never surfaces when it's wanted the most!) or the godamn hormones...

I Do!! (but i seriously Don't)

2006-11-24T17:15:00.000+05:30

The inside story sometimes always remains inside...why do all these news channels always yell out THE INSIDE STORY!!...when they say it out loud ,then it becomes the outside story. But the story in reality always remains inside the idiot box!! Now why would i write a title as something like I DO and start writing about the inside story of a news story..

Well it's something like six degrees of seperation...a theory which suggests that there's a maximum of six degrees of seperation between two humans in any part of the planet. So that way i am related to Gisele bundchen by only one degree, here's how..

Kalpana(likes)---------> Leonardo Dicaprio(likes)-------> Gisele Bundchen.

So there's only a degree of seperation between me and that brazilian model. Oh! man think of all the things i can get when i'll tell her how am i related to her...now don't go wild alright..i just want Leo.

Now i am going to get myself related to Condozella Rice...let me see by how much degrees are we seperated..

Kalpana----> Times Of India----> Reporter------> Reuters------> Spokesperson for the white house------> Condozella Rice.

There...only four degrees of seperation...see i could be related to one of the most influential black woman in George's cabinet and be in the white house itself. And she's one of the most powerful people on the Forbes list, what more could i ask for (now i am literally drooling about my possibilities here).

That way i can attack any country just because the people resemble like afro-mongols-hairy backs. Yipeee!! i always wanted to order commands like point...aim...shoot at that bloody moron(coz he's got a siamese cat), just because it was so hot in the afternoon, and i got a sunstroke. And i don't like the guy standing in front of me in the ticket queue. Bloody!! shoot him as well..

So with all this degree possibility ,i am now armed with, i say that"LET THE INSIDE STORY REMAIN INSIDE!!" else...read the above paragraph to know about the consequences if you are not aware where it might lead you to...

Here's a cutie pie foto of Mr. Badrinath Tiwari, facing the consequences of saying I DO, to his wife Mrs. Rupa Tiwari. (ain't it cute)

Apan yaana pahilat kaa..

2006-11-21T20:50:00.001+05:30

For those who do not know what the title of this post means.. it is "Have you seen this person". And for the one's if it rings a bell, it is one and only dear old programme on DD marathi. A great educational programme from good old days, and know what! it is still in existance. Last saw when they were talking about this guy who they described as...

Name : Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate
Color : Wheatish brown
Age : 39 years, 158 days.
Height : 5 feet 9 inches
Build : Medium
Hair : Black
Identification : A mole on his left cheek (it's hairy mind it) (eeks!)
Clothes : Wearing a white shirt and grey trousers
Missing since : 10th june 2006 from 7.30 pm

Reason : Wife wouldn't give him pickles with rice and daal. (psst: she gave it to her neighbours they were out of stock of pickles....to top it all .........he was damn hungry man!)

Anyone who has seen this man contact his wife Mrs Gauri Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate, on this number 022-25879365, she's made so much pickle that it'll last for a year ( in their neighbours house too) , and she promises that it'll never be out of stock in both the houses ever again in the future.

It was the most educative programme while i was in school, used to watch it regularly when exams were scheduled , time table was given and all i had to do was to turn on the TV and watch 'Aapna yaana pahilat kaa' and pick up my algebra book, and start calculating the probabilities of Mrs Gauri blah blah..chances of finding her husband Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate in a day or probably a week or probably in a fortnight...or probably until my exams get over.

Maybe that's the reason i did well in my marathi exams but scored lowest in algebra, but i still used the same formula in every school exam of mine, until cable TV took over and i slowly forgot about it until, a few days ago when by a turn of events unexplained, i chanced upon another missing person.

And all the things came back to me like a torrential downpour, that's when i realised that even in the most backward and the remotest villages of India i cannot find my missing persons programme but , i can surely see the television beaming images of FTV. Alas! what is going to happen to those missing people, probably they might end up scorching the catwalks of milan and paris , while their wives wait for them at home, making pickles with the hope that they might come back.

Mall rats continued...

2006-11-19T01:22:00.000+05:30

Sorry for posting so late guys...as if anybody cared..whatever....i still have to answer my conscience about not telling people about the further branching of the species of the sub human kind of mall rats.

After the alpha mall rats ...we get on the lower kind of alpha mall rats, the "wannabe alpha mall rat". They are really the most easy kind to spot, they are the one's who wear all the right clothes of a club wear on a day trip to the mall, more so to buy stuff like grocery items and knick knacks.

Families barging into a bookshop with babies born only few hours earlier...to buy god knows what!! Those tiny tot's running amok in a bookstore with parents lost in the movies section, while mortals like us sit and stare like a circus spectator, thinking is it really a bookstore we walked into or a fish market.

Come evening and the wannabe's and the would be mall rats melt into the dating mall rats. This kind though found throughout the day can actually be found in hordes throughout the evening well into the night with all the party wear to the local mall mind it!

Frequenting the coffee shops to catch some quality time and space which is hard to come by in a city like mumbai. So the local malls come to the rescue here, with their spacious interiors , anonymity (until your neighbour can be found canoodling with his wife on the bench opposite to the coffee shop) while you try to catch some precious moments with your date (alas! that uncle is looking at you now).

So now we have Family Rats, Dating Rats, Wannabe Alpha Rats, Alpha Rats....and the sub species will continue to multiply like rats..whatelse did you think i was gonna say...All i am missing now is the Pied piper to lure away all of them, so that the mall doesn't look like a crowded local train in peak hours.

But the pied piper is nowhere in site and the tribe of vermin, is spiralling out of control..(am kidding here) no offense to anybody, but i am a mall rat too.

Physics of mall rat

2006-10-18T18:28:00.000+05:30

A new breed of rats have taken over the city or rather country these days....the human species has evolved into a degenerated evolution of mall rats..name courtesy some hollywood flick i saw as a teenager, when the word mall was akin to some meteorite rock from space. You guys must be thinking that i am from Fred flintsone's age, but say whatever mall was an alien word like Jackass show is to my dadiji these days.

Anyway i think our nuclear tests is to be blamed for our recently mutated gene's , the tendency to to gravitate towards the local mall needs to be examined by Physicist's because a new law needs to be defined. The relationship between a man and a mall is somthing akin to the newton's law of physics i.e the second most powerful law it goes like this, "The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. "

I've broken down the formula here to make it simpler for myself and you guys..

Object mass = Money in my wallet/Balance in my credit card or my boyfriends card ;)

Acceleration = Velocity of urgency (that urge can be to own those Ritu Kumar's spring collection or that rucksack from Giordano or woh fabindia ka awesome kurta)

ps: The velocity of urgency directly co-relates to stars in the eyes and a constantly drooling mouth added to it someone who's got money accompanying you.

Force = now this is outcome of both mass and acceleration (we all know the result is equal to the acquisition of the much sought after object)

So the physics part of the mall rat is gotten over with...but this is the first type called Alpha Mall Rat, there are several sub species which i will classify in my next post.

Woo a man

2006-10-09T21:10:00.000+05:30

Hey first of all i'd like to thank all the boys who contributed to my nonsensical questionaire with great patience and cursing me under their breath for agreeing to be a part of it. A great deal of research of around 4 hours has gone into this, not to mention the endless assault on my dear ol' keyboard.

Lets get into my subject matter now after the credits to the gladiators which are already given above shall not be mentioned again!!

Well they were all given questions about what qualities of a women they are attracted to physically as well as psychologically. The answers ranged from her face spiralling down towards oh so obvious butt. Intresting inputs came when it came to the other aspects of her personality feminine grace or whatever it's called (Matahari type) that meant was from one guy. Another one was like he wanted a nurturer who could take care of his mood swings like a tree standing tall in katrina like situation. If he wants it to stand at all . One was looking out for intelligence without ego, he's forgotten that it's an extinct combination these days, having it would be like Dodo's walking on the earth again.

Asking them about these questions made me feel like a Scientist observing the lab rats mating rituals as if it were answer to the North korea's nuke experiment in the world peace context, or whatever it means.

Reactions ranged from why maim me for life to you crazy me crazier too!! But it was fun knowing in what made the guys look for in a girl afterall.

Mutiny in my mouth

2006-09-15T23:21:00.000+05:30

Second in part of unfortunate series..well now the title is certainly a rip off of Mister Lemony Snicket...anyways lets go on with the blog shall we...

Anyone of you who suffer from cavities would certainly sympathize with me here. I consider myself as a victim of the modern day concentration camp run by the likes of men welding the savage drill. First of all i never would have developed a sweet tooth had i known what kind of repercussions i'd have to face in the future. Nay, ofcourse it was too late when i realised that one can certainly break a bone or two in their body than to get the cavities fixed.

To top it all i have a wisdom tooth which has sprouted out of my gums sideways..ie it's in a sleeping position...a haven for tooth bacteria to prepare ground for a murderous assault. A visit to the dentist confirmed that it needed extraction, as had happened earlier like all his counterparts who had staged mutiny in my mouth, this one too wanted his share of the kill. How can something from your own body rebel against you and win the war on you by siding with your most feared enemy?? why me ??

Had i not had enough tortorous sessions , each one bad enough to kill me. A visit to the dentist apart from blowing a big hole in your pocket and teeth, makes one feel like a moron with cotton stuffed inside the mouth, a look which Marlon Brando adopted and became famous as The Godfather.

Brando aside the fate of my tooth has not been decided yet. As i wait to get over my "Dentistophobia", there are some reports about people with similar fate as mine getting martyred in their mission.

Meanwhile here's something i found out about their patron saint..
The patron saint of dentists is Saint Apollonia, martyred in Alexandria by having all her teeth violently extracted.

And another fact about.... Dental phobia is the serious, often paralyzing fear of seeking dental care. It has been reliably reported that 50% of the American population does not seek regular dental care. An estimated 9-15% of all Americans avoid much needed care due to anxiety and fear surrounding the dental experience. This translates to some 30 - 40 million people so afraid of dental treatment that they avoid it altogether.

May my teeth rest in peace.

I thought It WaS a RARE FIND

2006-08-31T13:00:00.000+05:30

2 AM at night...coming out from the loo..i noticed a white roach...gawd!! i thought...what a rare find! Me's going to be famous..very soon.

After all imagining every possible form of acknowledgement...i rushed for my cell...that was the only thing that came to my mind after my thoughts stopped rolling , in every possible direction.

Meanwhile my prized roach was still there...not moving, must have read my thoughts, it probably was waitin for it's 5 mins of glory in the annals of fame n fortune..through me. After snapping it's picture..surprise surprise ..it's didn't move an inch roaches r known to scot away as soon as they sense humans..Even Paris Hilton was not a competition for this one.

Next day before claiming my pie of fame i googled about white roaches...poof..slam...dunk..boing...............

Here's what i found ....
No, it's not an albino. If you see a white cockroach, it has just shed its skin.A cockroach that has just shed its skin is white with black eyes.

Though i still managed to make it famous on this blog.