Comfortably dumb

A typical day for me begins with waking up listening to my mother's sonic boom, or in my language it's called 'suprabhatam' or the morning raaga. Wish it sounded more like Pink floyd's see you on the dark side of the moon, for ruining my sleep at 9 AM early in the morning. Reason , i still havn't found anybody who's willing to employ me for the skill which is still in it's nascent stage, or rather, it's still having it's umbilical chord attached to my other skill.

Let's not get into pre-natal talk here, when i am already into my post natal stage ooops!! that would be my writing skills (that's the only thing i am good at) with which i plan to make some money, now i have no idea how am i going to do that....meanwhile i am getting comfortable sitting at home and becoming immune to the subtle and sometimes obvious hints that my folks give me to get my ass up and start earning. It's not that i don't want to work, but i am still figuring out what exactly i want to do....i know it actually sounds like "To be or not to be". Infact it's more like "What to be and What not to be".

Usually morning raaga follows with Follow the leader, where will the reader go then? that's the tagline of worlds largest circulating newspaper brand. The paper is becoming a cult like what Scientology is for Tom Cruise. Page3 has been torn off and made into a movie, wonder what bhelpuri wala's are using these days. Maybe the education times to pack their bhel to the uneducated labourer. Poor guy, had it not been for Page3, his bhel wouldn't have a dose of rising hemlines and dipping cleaveages, and Bobby darling ofcourse. After spending a good one hour in numbing my eyes and brain with printed words written by others, i try to pump up blood into the numb areas, filled with images of Queenie Dhody..is that a name...i guess a horse would be better off with name like Queenie Ghoda. And news about China's moon mission leading upto Tibet. Abhishek's birthday gift and his fiancee are on front pages, while people like Irom sharmila sink into pages which even the Bhelpuri wala doesn't want to use.

A heavy dosage of news on TV about some kid or the other inside a well and people praying for him, coupled with news about making a movie Tax Free as a birthday gift to some hair band welding moron who prides himself with former miss world in one hand and his dad's watch in another. Selling Fridges and getting cards on behalf of his father, where have all mamma's boys gone! Though some saving graces can be found in form of a cow selling chewing gum to a kid fighting mud pit to please his little sister. Thank god for little mercy that shone upon thy idiot box.

After numbing myself with the aforesaid activites, i check orkut , man...it actually changed my life. First thing i notice is which unknown person has visited my profile, it's actually a thrill to know that you can be noticed in the big big world of cyberspace. Which usually follows with me visiting their profile, and checking them out for myraid reasons. And then i finally check my scraps, which is aptly named scraps because they are mostly out there for everyone else to see.

All these things happen so mechanically that, sometimes i have to pinch myself if i live by printed word, or moving images or virtual sanity. These are the three things which consume major part of the day apart from afternoon raaga and evening raaga and some of my own insane thoughts about the world and life in general. I know i am boring, but i guess when life is exposed to vagaries like this, one becomes comfortably dumb.

Muted sounds of life...

There are voices which, even when screamed out loud is never heard. The cries get buried and there is not even a sigh. The sounds which are waiting to explode, die without a fight. A song buzzing inside the head but is never sung, a muffled cry for help in a room full of known faces, a scream for company in an empty room , a sorry which was never said, a thank you to a stranger which got lost in the maze of thoughts.

We lead such pitiful lives, even with all these modes of communication, we haven't managed to say "I am lonely" in a room full of familiar faces. Walking down the street we search for a known face, but never return the smile of a child standing in the pavement. The urge to say 'hello' to the girl sitting next to you in the bus, drowns into the engine's sleepy whirring, masking thoughts forever. The nights when you cried yourself to sleep, waiting for a kind word and a warm hug but nobody heard you. Thoughts racing inside your head like freight train, while you lay yourself to sleep.

These are the sounds which never see the light of the day, just like us they too die a thousand deaths everyday.

Frozen food for overheated brain

Television has become new-age microwave oven for the average indian viewer these days, the News channels thaw and cook variety of instant noodles for the man on the run. Gone are the days when the only source of News was Doordarshan, which practically lived upto it's name Far away news from our very own country.

You wait for the world news to know about Somalia bombings and Angelina's latest adopted baby from Somalia grabs the eyeballs, and the bombing news is just a teeny weeny scrolling newsline in the bottom of the screen. Even small black ants are visible on the granite flooring of your house, when compared to the scrolling news on News channel. If you want to know more about new food, then the menu is readily available on your favourite News channels...from Good Food to Non-edible food (want to know how Surender singh cooked his food?) everything is laid bare from the type of cooking oil to how it's going to be ejected out of your system. next day morning. And, the non-edible part is usually hosted by a guy who one would usually find in C-grade movies, trying to rape the heroines. And the way he mouths his lines on the channel about a grisly murder of a buffalo which ensured, a spell bound audience from the hinterlands of the Fodder scam state. They ensure "Satisfacton Garunteed" tagline for all their instant food content. For adults they ensure MMS and all SEX scams are shown at late nights, so your mid-night binges are satisfied! Now there's no complaint from the adult crowd right!!

That's the kind of training you get from running a successful Udipi Restaurants in peak hours. I bet they sure got their cooking lessons from the guy from Udipi.

For the young girls and bored housewives, there's instant food for you too...Sanjay Dutt AKA Munnabhai wants to give you some makeupgiri lessons in your local beauty parlor with totally imported Indian Make-up kit. And he's going to help that chinese lady to apply masacara on you for free!! If that doesn't satisfy your tummy urges, Karan Johar might help you with tips on how to make the perfect blend of coffee with Abhishek and Aishwarya giving you demonstration, of how to boil tea leaves for perfect coffee.

As for kids, oh yes!! they do remember that you guys exist on this planet...they have the best of fizzy drinks at your disposal, Krish supports Coca Cola and Don likes his french fries. So bachha log, go ahead since it is accredited of purity in Indian standards it's totally safe to eat and drink pesticides..oops Homicides..oops Pepsi Cola with a Double Maharaja Mac of organically g(k)rilled chicken.

And all you elderly Aunties and Uncles, how can we forget you!! Baba Ramdev is bringing homemade Ethical Gajar Halwa to your local mall!! You can find it next to Hindu cola that was launched last week. It's got blessings of Certain Bapu from Bapu's state. So it's perfectly fine, it will kill germs inside your body and bingo!! you can use it as a flush too..all in the name of God!!

And you guys thought you were starved for food for your brain. Turn on the TV where ethical food is given to you, all you need to do is thaw it, let it get warm and Lo!! it's ready. And whoever said, couch potato is an extinct species...here's a pack of french fries marketed by Big B. Buy Big B and Get one Aby Baby free.

This is not going to be interesting...

I swear on all the aborted foetuses of the world, i had no hand in the execution of Saddam Hussein. And i was not in Manhattan yesterday, i swear on Blair and Bush my two heroes i've got nothing to do with it. It was just a harmless leak of Natural gas or whatever you call it. I did not fart or belch there alright. And to think they have got Air sensors too..think of what warnings it will give in Bombay...every five minutes it'll let off a siren warning everytime Rakhi sawant passes by that installation. Now don't ask me why i mentioned Rakhi, go ask Mika. Maybe it's for the same reasons he kissed her.


For instant publicity like maggi noodles ...Bas Do Minute...Walk to Siddhivinayak Temple with Abhishek and Amitabh Bachhan, the walk won't get over in Two minutes ..but you will surely get your Fifteen minutes of fame like Andy Warhol said. Your pictures will flash across all News channels for the whole day, when killings in Assam are not of much importance other than what kind of puja did they did there.

A trip to the Sincity of India..Goa for all ye lesser mortals...when entertainment on a cruise liner feels like Himesh Reshamiyya breathing down your neck with his mouth...reason..he sings through his nose. If that ain't enough the host of the loud obnoxious orchestra..with a weird accent in tow..asking kids, Men, Couples and Women to dance on stage where there's hardly anyplace to keep drums and a mic. They danced like they never danced before, a situation which looked like a crowded local train in peak hours where people stand tiptoe for space, dodging smelly armpits, loud ringtones belting out " Hey Ram.. Hey Ram" when all you can think is where is my Gun!! I guess the guy standing next to me is dead!! Omigod he stole my gun and killed himself.

And if you think this is interesting then wait for some more uninteresting stuff that i went through on my road trip last month. Hopefully i'll not be jailed for that Gun and dead guy. If i live in democracy then the next post will be out soon.

Narcissistic Endorphins

Well, i may be asking too much baby, but i want me so bad....I've been bitten by a bout of narcissism. It is a feel good factor, narcissism is nothing but an overdose of endorphins. The feel good hormones which make you feel good...now that isn't a tag line for some product. And this isn't an article of narcissistic endorphins, it's just a passing reference to some hormonal disfunctionality.

BB king in the background with a fantastic guitar play and high pitch tone...and there's your endorphins. I may get a Phd for this who knows...let me get my papers and start jotting down about BB kings songs effect on the Thyroid gland. Now it's 'rock me baby',

Rock me baby, honey,
rock me slowYeah,
rock me pretty baby,
baby rock me slow
Want you to rock me baby, till I want no more.

I have no clue why romance is associated with rock, is it because you get stoned and you become blind when you are in love? A good music with rock me for lyrics, there goes the candlelight music in Bell bottom Blues. Think whatever, but this is what i think of word 'rock' in music.

I am having an overdose of endorphin attack these days, reasons myraid such as my best friend getting married today, someone special saved the world from potential threat, another one of my best buddy is thinking of getting hitched, the world i know is in love with something special. May their happiness multiply and divide, to hell with population!!

Rudeboxx

If my last two posts were about complaints of life in general, this one should basically target me like "Nokia! connecting people". So what is applicable to my views of the world should connect me too...if you cannot figure out what i said...go get your IQ checked!

Well, isn't that rude, i mean if you don't understand what gibberish i wrote, you probably are retarded and there are chances that you suffer from low self-esteem syndrome. Same is the case with books like "Midnights children", Salman rushdie won a booker for it! So does it matter to people like me who thought it was the most nonsenscial book i've ever read, utterly disgusting story and characters. But since, i consider myself to be of higher IQ level i would say to you, man it's one of the most intelligent books ever written by any author either living or dead.

If i say i do not know how to use a loaded gun, then i get classified under the 'Trigger Moron' section of the society, so baby gimme the gun and see the result, consequences of action was never my lookout anyway. I don't care about grammer even tough i call myself a topgrade writer, do i need some guy or girl to tell me i am good at my trade, no! There's a wren and martin book gathering dust on my shelf, it's primary work is to gather dust anyway.

Volitaire said "common sense is not so common", yes it is an uncommon sight these days when people hardly use their brains to find out sense, that's because they use their hands and the bloody mouse, who named it mouse anyway a MORON! to find sense that they primarily lack.

Like the case of people waiting in the line for tickets or in the checkout counter, wish they could buy some grams of decency and most of all common sense, they expect the world for themselves, where else puny humans like us should consider ourselves to be the scum of the waiting line. That's the look we get when we don't budge and give them an easy pass for early exit. Darn! why don't we ever have emergencies like them. There's a dog bleeding on the road, or that kid got a lollypop stuck up his nose, let me go and help that old lady cross the road(even if she doesn't want to), it's such a hard thing to ignore. Give them some leeway will ya!

Do i need to prove my intelligence by giving exams on my memory, or Mensa test for that matter, it's set by another person like me anyway. So what if he knows quantum physics like the back of his hand, bet he cannot shoot peanuts from his nose, like my friend does. That's physics too, aerodynamics, pressure, control etc etc. I can win a nobel prize in physics if i write on "The Dynamics Of Shooting Peanuts Through Your Nose".

I know i am rude so what, do i need you to tell me that i am rude. No, i don't! you can go and check your IQ. I would rather have Ayatollah Khomeini giving me the award for my intelligence, than getting a booker prize from Queen's lawabiding citizens.

Morality Bytes

Morality is a strait jacket of human nature, If morals and conscience were as important to us, we would have been living with Dodo's and the Roof of the world would have been a free place (am talking about Tibet if you don't know what it's called). Weapons as a word would not have been coined if anybody thought about morality, Oh god! what Uncle Sam and Mushy would've done, without their nuclear babies.

Iraq would've had Saddam killing shiites or sunni's , am not very sure who it is and Afghanistan would still have been run by Taliban, Uncle Sam would've got bored had it not been for his world view of 'The Ultimate Jhadoo Pocha to get rid of Terrorism'. Paris Hilton would have been Miss Nobody had it not been for her sense of morality tape! How many of you knew Paris before that, sparing the Eiffel Tower.

Natwar Singh would have been a king of petro dollars, and Ram Jethmalani would have been lauded for being true to his profession. Indian parliament wouldn't have been the same if it had not been for the good men working towards cattle subsidy and running the local train packed tax payers of the so called Tiger economy of the developing world, meanwhile the Dragon is lying low.

Had morality been an issue there would have been more people above poverty line and we wouldn't have had a religious place richer than the Vatican. Satyendra Dubey would have still been remembered for what wrong he did by leaking out the good work done by the moral police. The cart puller wouldn't have aspired for a MMS enabled phone had it not been for the NEWS channels beaming about sex education through MMS during the midnight masala time.

More people watch News channels than watching porn these days, see the good work done by conscience keepers of the society. The country where Zero originated and is heading right towards it, isn't it great, going back to your invention. No man is proud enough than the man who is going back to his roots, it's afterall his choice isn't it?

Morals never fed anyone, the arms dealer would've been another guy from somalia, looking for world peace. North korea wouldn't have been known had it not been for Pakistan helping it out with nuclear energy. See morals and conscience are not good fertilsers for humanity.