Morality Bytes

Morality is a strait jacket of human nature, If morals and conscience were as important to us, we would have been living with Dodo's and the Roof of the world would have been a free place (am talking about Tibet if you don't know what it's called). Weapons as a word would not have been coined if anybody thought about morality, Oh god! what Uncle Sam and Mushy would've done, without their nuclear babies.

Iraq would've had Saddam killing shiites or sunni's , am not very sure who it is and Afghanistan would still have been run by Taliban, Uncle Sam would've got bored had it not been for his world view of 'The Ultimate Jhadoo Pocha to get rid of Terrorism'. Paris Hilton would have been Miss Nobody had it not been for her sense of morality tape! How many of you knew Paris before that, sparing the Eiffel Tower.

Natwar Singh would have been a king of petro dollars, and Ram Jethmalani would have been lauded for being true to his profession. Indian parliament wouldn't have been the same if it had not been for the good men working towards cattle subsidy and running the local train packed tax payers of the so called Tiger economy of the developing world, meanwhile the Dragon is lying low.

Had morality been an issue there would have been more people above poverty line and we wouldn't have had a religious place richer than the Vatican. Satyendra Dubey would have still been remembered for what wrong he did by leaking out the good work done by the moral police. The cart puller wouldn't have aspired for a MMS enabled phone had it not been for the NEWS channels beaming about sex education through MMS during the midnight masala time.

More people watch News channels than watching porn these days, see the good work done by conscience keepers of the society. The country where Zero originated and is heading right towards it, isn't it great, going back to your invention. No man is proud enough than the man who is going back to his roots, it's afterall his choice isn't it?

Morals never fed anyone, the arms dealer would've been another guy from somalia, looking for world peace. North korea wouldn't have been known had it not been for Pakistan helping it out with nuclear energy. See morals and conscience are not good fertilsers for humanity.

SI(g)NS Of Maturity

You know, you are on the wrong side of human nature when you resist the urge to eat the bar of chocolate. Instead you read the calorie details on the cover of the chocolate, and put away the slab of sugary mound of cocoa. A slice of cheese in a sandwhich which you had in the evening puts you on a guilt trip to the local gym the next day,where you workout like you are running away from some hurricane katrina.

Minding language in front of kids is now a serious issue, god forbid if that little guy ever hears you saying C@$#ya, A@#$%le, F$#k!! When dropping by to your friends house without any gifts raises serious questions for your conscience, especially when you don't give them a notice beforehand (gone are the days when you barged into his/her house and headed straight for the fridge).

Hitting the bed at 2 AM is only restricted on weekends (it's like the day when there's not a single casualty in Iraq), the other days you are blissfully snoring away to glory (snoring is a norm when you are on the wrong side 'eh). Worst part of it is you cannot say no to your mom to accompany her to buy grocery!!

To the hell i''ll be damned if i do not say that people have now started calling me mature!! Curse befall me if i say something and i don't keep my promise.....

It's like some guy telling me "Smoking actually kills" and he's actually put off the weed for good. Man it's like eyeing the ice cream of your sister's kid, saying no when you are really killing yourself inside for it. More so when you check out your friend's boyfriend and ogle inside while keeping a straight face and cursing yourself under the breath, why god why me!!

This is what i called a cursed reaction to a rather pallid stupor on your face. You know it! this is called Sins of maturity as in signs of maturity.

Who do you blame now? (The damned human emotion, which never surfaces when it's wanted the most!) or the godamn hormones...

I Do!! (but i seriously Don't)

The inside story sometimes always remains inside...why do all these news channels always yell out THE INSIDE STORY!!...when they say it out loud ,then it becomes the outside story. But the story in reality always remains inside the idiot box!! Now why would i write a title as something like I DO and start writing about the inside story of a news story..

Well it's something like six degrees of seperation...a theory which suggests that there's a maximum of six degrees of seperation between two humans in any part of the planet. So that way i am related to Gisele bundchen by only one degree, here's how..

Kalpana(likes)---------> Leonardo Dicaprio(likes)-------> Gisele Bundchen.

So there's only a degree of seperation between me and that brazilian model. Oh! man think of all the things i can get when i'll tell her how am i related to her...now don't go wild alright..i just want Leo.

Now i am going to get myself related to Condozella Rice...let me see by how much degrees are we seperated..

Kalpana----> Times Of India----> Reporter------> Reuters------> Spokesperson for the white house------> Condozella Rice.

There...only four degrees of seperation...see i could be related to one of the most influential black woman in George's cabinet and be in the white house itself. And she's one of the most powerful people on the Forbes list, what more could i ask for (now i am literally drooling about my possibilities here).

That way i can attack any country just because the people resemble like afro-mongols-hairy backs. Yipeee!! i always wanted to order commands like point...aim...shoot at that bloody moron(coz he's got a siamese cat), just because it was so hot in the afternoon, and i got a sunstroke. And i don't like the guy standing in front of me in the ticket queue. Bloody!! shoot him as well..

So with all this degree possibility ,i am now armed with, i say that"LET THE INSIDE STORY REMAIN INSIDE!!" else...read the above paragraph to know about the consequences if you are not aware where it might lead you to...

Here's a cutie pie foto of Mr. Badrinath Tiwari, facing the consequences of saying I DO, to his wife Mrs. Rupa Tiwari. (ain't it cute)

Apan yaana pahilat kaa..

For those who do not know what the title of this post means.. it is "Have you seen this person". And for the one's if it rings a bell, it is one and only dear old programme on DD marathi. A great educational programme from good old days, and know what! it is still in existance. Last saw when they were talking about this guy who they described as...

Name : Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate
Color : Wheatish brown
Age : 39 years, 158 days.
Height : 5 feet 9 inches
Build : Medium
Hair : Black
Identification : A mole on his left cheek (it's hairy mind it) (eeks!)
Clothes : Wearing a white shirt and grey trousers
Missing since : 10th june 2006 from 7.30 pm

Reason : Wife wouldn't give him pickles with rice and daal. (psst: she gave it to her neighbours they were out of stock of pickles....to top it all .........he was damn hungry man!)

Anyone who has seen this man contact his wife Mrs Gauri Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate, on this number 022-25879365, she's made so much pickle that it'll last for a year ( in their neighbours house too) , and she promises that it'll never be out of stock in both the houses ever again in the future.

It was the most educative programme while i was in school, used to watch it regularly when exams were scheduled , time table was given and all i had to do was to turn on the TV and watch 'Aapna yaana pahilat kaa' and pick up my algebra book, and start calculating the probabilities of Mrs Gauri blah blah..chances of finding her husband Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate in a day or probably a week or probably in a fortnight...or probably until my exams get over.

Maybe that's the reason i did well in my marathi exams but scored lowest in algebra, but i still used the same formula in every school exam of mine, until cable TV took over and i slowly forgot about it until, a few days ago when by a turn of events unexplained, i chanced upon another missing person.

And all the things came back to me like a torrential downpour, that's when i realised that even in the most backward and the remotest villages of India i cannot find my missing persons programme but , i can surely see the television beaming images of FTV. Alas! what is going to happen to those missing people, probably they might end up scorching the catwalks of milan and paris , while their wives wait for them at home, making pickles with the hope that they might come back.

Mall rats continued...

Sorry for posting so late guys...as if anybody cared..whatever....i still have to answer my conscience about not telling people about the further branching of the species of the sub human kind of mall rats.


After the alpha mall rats ...we get on the lower kind of alpha mall rats, the "wannabe alpha mall rat". They are really the most easy kind to spot, they are the one's who wear all the right clothes of a club wear on a day trip to the mall, more so to buy stuff like grocery items and knick knacks.


Families barging into a bookshop with babies born only few hours earlier...to buy god knows what!! Those tiny tot's running amok in a bookstore with parents lost in the movies section, while mortals like us sit and stare like a circus spectator, thinking is it really a bookstore we walked into or a fish market.


Come evening and the wannabe's and the would be mall rats melt into the dating mall rats. This kind though found throughout the day can actually be found in hordes throughout the evening well into the night with all the party wear to the local mall mind it!


Frequenting the coffee shops to catch some quality time and space which is hard to come by in a city like mumbai. So the local malls come to the rescue here, with their spacious interiors , anonymity (until your neighbour can be found canoodling with his wife on the bench opposite to the coffee shop) while you try to catch some precious moments with your date (alas! that uncle is looking at you now).


So now we have Family Rats, Dating Rats, Wannabe Alpha Rats, Alpha Rats....and the sub species will continue to multiply like rats..whatelse did you think i was gonna say...All i am missing now is the Pied piper to lure away all of them, so that the mall doesn't look like a crowded local train in peak hours.


But the pied piper is nowhere in site and the tribe of vermin, is spiralling out of control..(am kidding here) no offense to anybody, but i am a mall rat too.