Narcissistic Endorphins

Well, i may be asking too much baby, but i want me so bad....I've been bitten by a bout of narcissism. It is a feel good factor, narcissism is nothing but an overdose of endorphins. The feel good hormones which make you feel good...now that isn't a tag line for some product. And this isn't an article of narcissistic endorphins, it's just a passing reference to some hormonal disfunctionality.

BB king in the background with a fantastic guitar play and high pitch tone...and there's your endorphins. I may get a Phd for this who knows...let me get my papers and start jotting down about BB kings songs effect on the Thyroid gland. Now it's 'rock me baby',

Rock me baby, honey,
rock me slowYeah,
rock me pretty baby,
baby rock me slow
Want you to rock me baby, till I want no more.

I have no clue why romance is associated with rock, is it because you get stoned and you become blind when you are in love? A good music with rock me for lyrics, there goes the candlelight music in Bell bottom Blues. Think whatever, but this is what i think of word 'rock' in music.

I am having an overdose of endorphin attack these days, reasons myraid such as my best friend getting married today, someone special saved the world from potential threat, another one of my best buddy is thinking of getting hitched, the world i know is in love with something special. May their happiness multiply and divide, to hell with population!!

Rudeboxx

If my last two posts were about complaints of life in general, this one should basically target me like "Nokia! connecting people". So what is applicable to my views of the world should connect me too...if you cannot figure out what i said...go get your IQ checked!

Well, isn't that rude, i mean if you don't understand what gibberish i wrote, you probably are retarded and there are chances that you suffer from low self-esteem syndrome. Same is the case with books like "Midnights children", Salman rushdie won a booker for it! So does it matter to people like me who thought it was the most nonsenscial book i've ever read, utterly disgusting story and characters. But since, i consider myself to be of higher IQ level i would say to you, man it's one of the most intelligent books ever written by any author either living or dead.

If i say i do not know how to use a loaded gun, then i get classified under the 'Trigger Moron' section of the society, so baby gimme the gun and see the result, consequences of action was never my lookout anyway. I don't care about grammer even tough i call myself a topgrade writer, do i need some guy or girl to tell me i am good at my trade, no! There's a wren and martin book gathering dust on my shelf, it's primary work is to gather dust anyway.

Volitaire said "common sense is not so common", yes it is an uncommon sight these days when people hardly use their brains to find out sense, that's because they use their hands and the bloody mouse, who named it mouse anyway a MORON! to find sense that they primarily lack.

Like the case of people waiting in the line for tickets or in the checkout counter, wish they could buy some grams of decency and most of all common sense, they expect the world for themselves, where else puny humans like us should consider ourselves to be the scum of the waiting line. That's the look we get when we don't budge and give them an easy pass for early exit. Darn! why don't we ever have emergencies like them. There's a dog bleeding on the road, or that kid got a lollypop stuck up his nose, let me go and help that old lady cross the road(even if she doesn't want to), it's such a hard thing to ignore. Give them some leeway will ya!

Do i need to prove my intelligence by giving exams on my memory, or Mensa test for that matter, it's set by another person like me anyway. So what if he knows quantum physics like the back of his hand, bet he cannot shoot peanuts from his nose, like my friend does. That's physics too, aerodynamics, pressure, control etc etc. I can win a nobel prize in physics if i write on "The Dynamics Of Shooting Peanuts Through Your Nose".

I know i am rude so what, do i need you to tell me that i am rude. No, i don't! you can go and check your IQ. I would rather have Ayatollah Khomeini giving me the award for my intelligence, than getting a booker prize from Queen's lawabiding citizens.

Morality Bytes

Morality is a strait jacket of human nature, If morals and conscience were as important to us, we would have been living with Dodo's and the Roof of the world would have been a free place (am talking about Tibet if you don't know what it's called). Weapons as a word would not have been coined if anybody thought about morality, Oh god! what Uncle Sam and Mushy would've done, without their nuclear babies.

Iraq would've had Saddam killing shiites or sunni's , am not very sure who it is and Afghanistan would still have been run by Taliban, Uncle Sam would've got bored had it not been for his world view of 'The Ultimate Jhadoo Pocha to get rid of Terrorism'. Paris Hilton would have been Miss Nobody had it not been for her sense of morality tape! How many of you knew Paris before that, sparing the Eiffel Tower.

Natwar Singh would have been a king of petro dollars, and Ram Jethmalani would have been lauded for being true to his profession. Indian parliament wouldn't have been the same if it had not been for the good men working towards cattle subsidy and running the local train packed tax payers of the so called Tiger economy of the developing world, meanwhile the Dragon is lying low.

Had morality been an issue there would have been more people above poverty line and we wouldn't have had a religious place richer than the Vatican. Satyendra Dubey would have still been remembered for what wrong he did by leaking out the good work done by the moral police. The cart puller wouldn't have aspired for a MMS enabled phone had it not been for the NEWS channels beaming about sex education through MMS during the midnight masala time.

More people watch News channels than watching porn these days, see the good work done by conscience keepers of the society. The country where Zero originated and is heading right towards it, isn't it great, going back to your invention. No man is proud enough than the man who is going back to his roots, it's afterall his choice isn't it?

Morals never fed anyone, the arms dealer would've been another guy from somalia, looking for world peace. North korea wouldn't have been known had it not been for Pakistan helping it out with nuclear energy. See morals and conscience are not good fertilsers for humanity.

SI(g)NS Of Maturity

You know, you are on the wrong side of human nature when you resist the urge to eat the bar of chocolate. Instead you read the calorie details on the cover of the chocolate, and put away the slab of sugary mound of cocoa. A slice of cheese in a sandwhich which you had in the evening puts you on a guilt trip to the local gym the next day,where you workout like you are running away from some hurricane katrina.

Minding language in front of kids is now a serious issue, god forbid if that little guy ever hears you saying C@$#ya, A@#$%le, F$#k!! When dropping by to your friends house without any gifts raises serious questions for your conscience, especially when you don't give them a notice beforehand (gone are the days when you barged into his/her house and headed straight for the fridge).

Hitting the bed at 2 AM is only restricted on weekends (it's like the day when there's not a single casualty in Iraq), the other days you are blissfully snoring away to glory (snoring is a norm when you are on the wrong side 'eh). Worst part of it is you cannot say no to your mom to accompany her to buy grocery!!

To the hell i''ll be damned if i do not say that people have now started calling me mature!! Curse befall me if i say something and i don't keep my promise.....

It's like some guy telling me "Smoking actually kills" and he's actually put off the weed for good. Man it's like eyeing the ice cream of your sister's kid, saying no when you are really killing yourself inside for it. More so when you check out your friend's boyfriend and ogle inside while keeping a straight face and cursing yourself under the breath, why god why me!!

This is what i called a cursed reaction to a rather pallid stupor on your face. You know it! this is called Sins of maturity as in signs of maturity.

Who do you blame now? (The damned human emotion, which never surfaces when it's wanted the most!) or the godamn hormones...

I Do!! (but i seriously Don't)

The inside story sometimes always remains inside...why do all these news channels always yell out THE INSIDE STORY!!...when they say it out loud ,then it becomes the outside story. But the story in reality always remains inside the idiot box!! Now why would i write a title as something like I DO and start writing about the inside story of a news story..

Well it's something like six degrees of seperation...a theory which suggests that there's a maximum of six degrees of seperation between two humans in any part of the planet. So that way i am related to Gisele bundchen by only one degree, here's how..

Kalpana(likes)---------> Leonardo Dicaprio(likes)-------> Gisele Bundchen.

So there's only a degree of seperation between me and that brazilian model. Oh! man think of all the things i can get when i'll tell her how am i related to her...now don't go wild alright..i just want Leo.

Now i am going to get myself related to Condozella Rice...let me see by how much degrees are we seperated..

Kalpana----> Times Of India----> Reporter------> Reuters------> Spokesperson for the white house------> Condozella Rice.

There...only four degrees of seperation...see i could be related to one of the most influential black woman in George's cabinet and be in the white house itself. And she's one of the most powerful people on the Forbes list, what more could i ask for (now i am literally drooling about my possibilities here).

That way i can attack any country just because the people resemble like afro-mongols-hairy backs. Yipeee!! i always wanted to order commands like point...aim...shoot at that bloody moron(coz he's got a siamese cat), just because it was so hot in the afternoon, and i got a sunstroke. And i don't like the guy standing in front of me in the ticket queue. Bloody!! shoot him as well..

So with all this degree possibility ,i am now armed with, i say that"LET THE INSIDE STORY REMAIN INSIDE!!" else...read the above paragraph to know about the consequences if you are not aware where it might lead you to...

Here's a cutie pie foto of Mr. Badrinath Tiwari, facing the consequences of saying I DO, to his wife Mrs. Rupa Tiwari. (ain't it cute)

Apan yaana pahilat kaa..

For those who do not know what the title of this post means.. it is "Have you seen this person". And for the one's if it rings a bell, it is one and only dear old programme on DD marathi. A great educational programme from good old days, and know what! it is still in existance. Last saw when they were talking about this guy who they described as...

Name : Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate
Color : Wheatish brown
Age : 39 years, 158 days.
Height : 5 feet 9 inches
Build : Medium
Hair : Black
Identification : A mole on his left cheek (it's hairy mind it) (eeks!)
Clothes : Wearing a white shirt and grey trousers
Missing since : 10th june 2006 from 7.30 pm

Reason : Wife wouldn't give him pickles with rice and daal. (psst: she gave it to her neighbours they were out of stock of pickles....to top it all .........he was damn hungry man!)

Anyone who has seen this man contact his wife Mrs Gauri Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate, on this number 022-25879365, she's made so much pickle that it'll last for a year ( in their neighbours house too) , and she promises that it'll never be out of stock in both the houses ever again in the future.

It was the most educative programme while i was in school, used to watch it regularly when exams were scheduled , time table was given and all i had to do was to turn on the TV and watch 'Aapna yaana pahilat kaa' and pick up my algebra book, and start calculating the probabilities of Mrs Gauri blah blah..chances of finding her husband Pandurang Keshav Dhondiba Dandvate in a day or probably a week or probably in a fortnight...or probably until my exams get over.

Maybe that's the reason i did well in my marathi exams but scored lowest in algebra, but i still used the same formula in every school exam of mine, until cable TV took over and i slowly forgot about it until, a few days ago when by a turn of events unexplained, i chanced upon another missing person.

And all the things came back to me like a torrential downpour, that's when i realised that even in the most backward and the remotest villages of India i cannot find my missing persons programme but , i can surely see the television beaming images of FTV. Alas! what is going to happen to those missing people, probably they might end up scorching the catwalks of milan and paris , while their wives wait for them at home, making pickles with the hope that they might come back.

Mall rats continued...

Sorry for posting so late guys...as if anybody cared..whatever....i still have to answer my conscience about not telling people about the further branching of the species of the sub human kind of mall rats.


After the alpha mall rats ...we get on the lower kind of alpha mall rats, the "wannabe alpha mall rat". They are really the most easy kind to spot, they are the one's who wear all the right clothes of a club wear on a day trip to the mall, more so to buy stuff like grocery items and knick knacks.


Families barging into a bookshop with babies born only few hours earlier...to buy god knows what!! Those tiny tot's running amok in a bookstore with parents lost in the movies section, while mortals like us sit and stare like a circus spectator, thinking is it really a bookstore we walked into or a fish market.


Come evening and the wannabe's and the would be mall rats melt into the dating mall rats. This kind though found throughout the day can actually be found in hordes throughout the evening well into the night with all the party wear to the local mall mind it!


Frequenting the coffee shops to catch some quality time and space which is hard to come by in a city like mumbai. So the local malls come to the rescue here, with their spacious interiors , anonymity (until your neighbour can be found canoodling with his wife on the bench opposite to the coffee shop) while you try to catch some precious moments with your date (alas! that uncle is looking at you now).


So now we have Family Rats, Dating Rats, Wannabe Alpha Rats, Alpha Rats....and the sub species will continue to multiply like rats..whatelse did you think i was gonna say...All i am missing now is the Pied piper to lure away all of them, so that the mall doesn't look like a crowded local train in peak hours.


But the pied piper is nowhere in site and the tribe of vermin, is spiralling out of control..(am kidding here) no offense to anybody, but i am a mall rat too.

Physics of mall rat

A new breed of rats have taken over the city or rather country these days....the human species has evolved into a degenerated evolution of mall rats..name courtesy some hollywood flick i saw as a teenager, when the word mall was akin to some meteorite rock from space. You guys must be thinking that i am from Fred flintsone's age, but say whatever mall was an alien word like Jackass show is to my dadiji these days.

Anyway i think our nuclear tests is to be blamed for our recently mutated gene's , the tendency to to gravitate towards the local mall needs to be examined by Physicist's because a new law needs to be defined. The relationship between a man and a mall is somthing akin to the newton's law of physics i.e the second most powerful law it goes like this, "The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. "

I've broken down the formula here to make it simpler for myself and you guys..

Object mass = Money in my wallet/Balance in my credit card or my boyfriends card ;)

Acceleration = Velocity of urgency (that urge can be to own those Ritu Kumar's spring collection or that rucksack from Giordano or woh fabindia ka awesome kurta)

ps: The velocity of urgency directly co-relates to stars in the eyes and a constantly drooling mouth added to it someone who's got money accompanying you.

Force = now this is outcome of both mass and acceleration (we all know the result is equal to the acquisition of the much sought after object)

So the physics part of the mall rat is gotten over with...but this is the first type called Alpha Mall Rat, there are several sub species which i will classify in my next post.

Woo a man

Hey first of all i'd like to thank all the boys who contributed to my nonsensical questionaire with great patience and cursing me under their breath for agreeing to be a part of it. A great deal of research of around 4 hours has gone into this, not to mention the endless assault on my dear ol' keyboard.

Lets get into my subject matter now after the credits to the gladiators which are already given above shall not be mentioned again!!

Well they were all given questions about what qualities of a women they are attracted to physically as well as psychologically. The answers ranged from her face spiralling down towards oh so obvious butt. Intresting inputs came when it came to the other aspects of her personality feminine grace or whatever it's called (Matahari type) that meant was from one guy. Another one was like he wanted a nurturer who could take care of his mood swings like a tree standing tall in katrina like situation. If he wants it to stand at all . One was looking out for intelligence without ego, he's forgotten that it's an extinct combination these days, having it would be like Dodo's walking on the earth again.

Asking them about these questions made me feel like a Scientist observing the lab rats mating rituals as if it were answer to the North korea's nuke experiment in the world peace context, or whatever it means.

Reactions ranged from why maim me for life to you crazy me crazier too!! But it was fun knowing in what made the guys look for in a girl afterall.

Mutiny in my mouth

Second in part of unfortunate series..well now the title is certainly a rip off of Mister Lemony Snicket...anyways lets go on with the blog shall we...

Anyone of you who suffer from cavities would certainly sympathize with me here. I consider myself as a victim of the modern day concentration camp run by the likes of men welding the savage drill. First of all i never would have developed a sweet tooth had i known what kind of repercussions i'd have to face in the future. Nay, ofcourse it was too late when i realised that one can certainly break a bone or two in their body than to get the cavities fixed.

To top it all i have a wisdom tooth which has sprouted out of my gums sideways..ie it's in a sleeping position...a haven for tooth bacteria to prepare ground for a murderous assault. A visit to the dentist confirmed that it needed extraction, as had happened earlier like all his counterparts who had staged mutiny in my mouth, this one too wanted his share of the kill. How can something from your own body rebel against you and win the war on you by siding with your most feared enemy?? why me ??

Had i not had enough tortorous sessions , each one bad enough to kill me. A visit to the dentist apart from blowing a big hole in your pocket and teeth, makes one feel like a moron with cotton stuffed inside the mouth, a look which Marlon Brando adopted and became famous as The Godfather.

Brando aside the fate of my tooth has not been decided yet. As i wait to get over my "Dentistophobia", there are some reports about people with similar fate as mine getting martyred in their mission.

Meanwhile here's something i found out about their patron saint..
The patron saint of dentists is Saint Apollonia, martyred in Alexandria by having all her teeth violently extracted.

And another fact about.... Dental phobia is the serious, often paralyzing fear of seeking dental care. It has been reliably reported that 50% of the American population does not seek regular dental care. An estimated 9-15% of all Americans avoid much needed care due to anxiety and fear surrounding the dental experience. This translates to some 30 - 40 million people so afraid of dental treatment that they avoid it altogether.

May my teeth rest in peace.

I thought It WaS a RARE FIND

2 AM at night...coming out from the loo..i noticed a white roach...gawd!! i thought...what a rare find! Me's going to be famous..very soon.

After all imagining every possible form of acknowledgement...i rushed for my cell...that was the only thing that came to my mind after my thoughts stopped rolling , in every possible direction.

Meanwhile my prized roach was still there...not moving, must have read my thoughts, it probably was waitin for it's 5 mins of glory in the annals of fame n fortune..through me. After snapping it's picture..surprise surprise ..it's didn't move an inch roaches r known to scot away as soon as they sense humans..Even Paris Hilton was not a competition for this one.

Next day before claiming my pie of fame i googled about white roaches...poof..slam...dunk..boing...............

Here's what i found ....
No, it's not an albino. If you see a white cockroach, it has just shed its skin.A cockroach that has just shed its skin is white with black eyes.

Though i still managed to make it famous on this blog.