Forgot and Found

Problem: Amnesia

Topic: Mahabharat

Controversy: Big time

Source: Yuganta

Author: Iravati Karve

Result: Banned

Credits: Guy from Yahoo Messenger

For those who are still clueless, this is about my mahabharata post wherein i didn't name the source. Now that i got hold of the source, I thought I'd better educate you guys about it too...

Confessions of a Pigeon hater

Most of them look at me like they've encountered a serial murderer, when i tell them i hate pigeons. Now in a country where pigeons are fed to become obese to appease innumerable Gods, there is a general feeling that i am committing moral as well as religious suicide with my confession. C'mon crows are better options than pigeons, they don't do Public Displays of Affection (PDA) in front of little kids playing near your window. Where does that entire ruckus about sex education go? Out on the window! What reason can you possibly come up with? Tell them the pigeons are doing weight training or that is pigeon WWF, see the one on top is Khaleel the bottom one is Undertaker.

I hate the sound it makes; I hate it so much that i don't want to type it! I hate the way it stares me down, as if I am the reason his mate turned lesbian. Dangerous liaisons occur in the pigeon kingdom too...but why the hell on my window? Go do it in the White House, as it is they symbolise peace (I reckon replacing a condom instead of an Olive branch, will do wonders for world peace). I hate the very fact that how can people live with its shit and feed it make more shit, no wonder Arctic ice melt is directly proportionate to the shit it shits.

I am gladly willing to work for ISRO or DRDO for free if they are into development of Pigeon Missile Technology. I am willing to share my idea for free on how to use pigeons for the protection of the country by using their shit as the war head. Surefire way to annihilate the scum across the border. Or perhaps we can send men covered in pigeon shit as cross border terrorists...these are some ingenious ways to use that impertinent bird of peace. This way pigeon will become a protected bird since there would be a decline in their numbers owing to their use in defense purposes. We will have Pigeon Sanctuaries, Pigeon Preservation centers... That would also take care of the extreme anger and violence that I feel when I look at the red legged avian.

I will no longer be spied upon like I am the commander of the guerrilla army of Cats. That would actually be a feast for my eyes…a round of hysterical laughter follows…with more ways to exterminate the Bird of Peace.

Kurukshetra in Virtualkshetra

I had been wanting to write about this thing ever since i came across this article in TOI aeon's ago. Let me warn you there are lapses of memory hence the details are broken (nothing new though). It had this article which said that Pandavas were sons of Kunti and Vidur, and not exactly seeds of several Gods. Blasphemy! But i stand by it...how else could they be born? Pandava was impotent, Kunti was libidinous (remember Karna?) and it was written by some scholarly woman in early 1970's (it was around the era of Led Zep). Predictably our Indian Govt did what it did best, the book was banned.

I tried in vain to find out the name of that woman who wrote this version of Mahabharat and caused Mahabharat...Google God didn't come to my rescue this time :-(. I swear to the atheist God that i read...i read that damning article one sunday afternoon and jumped around like a monkey. It was the coolest and the most truest thing (i think) i ever read. I called my friends, told my folks who were at first stunned and then tried to put some Godly gyaan into my loony head saying 'Girl you will be shot dead by VHP!'.

As if i cared, all i cared about was finding that woman who is supposedly now living abroad and doing research (probably on Kunti & Vidur ;-)). She is blissfully unaware about the Mahabharat she caused in my life. I caught hold of every Tom, Dick and Harry (even someone i met like 5 mins back) and gave them this controversial gyaan just to see how they reacted :-P. I gave them hard facts as i knew it and asked them to provide me the most authentic version (now that's like finding needle in a haystack) of Mahabharat if they are really hell bent to prove me wrong.

Now Mahabharat is supposed to be the longest epic poems in the world till date. The Gita is revered by every Hindu (even the Wachowski brothers made Matrix out of it) on this planet and is considered to be revelation about life/truth by God himself. None would dare to raise a finger on Vyasa's adaptation of this epic, his version is supposed to be authentic. Coming to the big question, are we really reading the exact version of Ved Vyas? Since none of the versions available today can be said to be the right one. Ask any historian, researcher...history is never true!

Now why am i trying to malign Kunti you must be thinking? Well, for one thing i know, she was one hell of a lady. An impotent king for a husband, a kingdom which never belonged to him she had 5 sons with his permission, 1 before she got married (God knows about it!). Anyways the major thing here is, along with Draupadi (another fiesty lady with 5 husbands) she made Pandavas Kings of Hastinapur, which never really belonged to them. She is "The Woman" who made this epic. Had it not been for her, we'd never have had the fortune to ever read this engrossing epic which is revered by almost every hindu family. Not to forget the hugely successful TV serial it spawned, people it is said used to break coconuts whenever they saw Nitish Bhandari (Krishna) on screen.

I try day in day out to try to find out the unknown Lady's version of Mahabharat, i hope Gooogle God wakes up one fine day and throws up the Lady's name. So, next time i am in a battle regarding the mahabharat i know i can throw her into the field :-D.

PS: I think i've read she worked for ASI, hence she could gain access to many versions of mahabharata.

Disclaimer: Don't blame me if i hurt your sentiments. Blame TOI!

Existential Crisis

Accept whatever comes your way, girl! Is a oft heard line for me these days. Each day represents yesterday except for the fact that my hair is graying at the speed of light. Perhaps accepting what is given to me might change the 'Groundhog syndrome' for the time being. But i prefer tying up my snow white hair in multicolored ribbons until i get what i want.

Now, what is it that i want? Right now i am suffering from the self proclaimed Existential crisis for the second time. C'mon all i am asking for is a decent job & pay! And I thought India's online market was/is full of clicks. Where did the booming click business go? (taken from the song 'Where did the blue skies go?')

The best thing about the current situation is, discovering Tom Waits, Carpenters and some of the best music i ever heard. Funny part is i am starting to like songs like "Golmaal Golmaal, every thing's gonna be golmaal..." by the way in earlier days i couldn't make out the damn lyrics. Not to forget the movies like My Sassy Girl (Korean chick flick), Fight Club (yet again)...

That reminds me of sending out an SOS to all my potential recruiters/employers/referrers/anyone remotely connected to my future employment & everybody in between as well as far off...

"I am willing to sell a Dead Wasp online to unsuspecting browser with a valid credit card"
"I am willing to relocate to Addis Ababa or Somalia whatever"
"I am willing to accept salary deposited in the Bank of Chambal."

Thank you all Period (.)

Chaos theory

The year started with a bang! Fireworks in every department of my life. Arrogance, revenge, anger, ego name the sin/evil and it was doing its job like it's very life was dependent on it. Talk about the degree of similarity between fireworks and sins, i think both offer momentary lapse of reason. Both burn and perish, what is the outcome? Happiness, relief, sadness, regret...

It was like Deja Vu, history repeats and how well. I knew all of this was coming, but not this soon! Hats off to the speed of time, goes fast forward during such times and goes at turtle pace during office hours. Turmoil was happening akin to the fault lines of Indonesia (geographically very prone to earthquakes, volcanoes & tsunamis). And i thought i was the most unemotional person!

Then the chaos theory got into action. Heard of this famous line from it? "Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas." All it took was a virtual fight, which gathered momentum and got me into the unemployed segment of the society. When i look back it looks so hilarious that my story will easily get defeated by Shakespeare's 'Comedy of Errors'. And i thought my life was boring and uneventful.

I think i should get into the fray to write another chaos theory about 'The virtual sneeze turning into El Nino of the real world'.

Welcome to Beasley Street!

I stumbled across this fabulous piece of poetry by John Cooper Clarke called 'Beasley Street'. I have been using the stanzas from the poem in my shutterbug operations like a woman possessed. I came across it when i was looking for popular slangs and phrases (internet truly is a El Dorado of our times).

Beasley Street

FAR FROM CRAZY PAVEMENTS

...THE TASTE OF SILVER SPOONS

A CLINICAL ARRANGEMENT

...ON A DIRTY AFTERNOON

WHERE THE FECAL GERMS OF MR. FREUD

...ARE RENDERED OBSOLETE

THE LEGAL TERM IS NULL AND VOID

IN THE CASE OF... BEASLEY STREET

IN THE CHEAP SEATS WHERE MURDER BREEDS

SOMEBODY IS OUT OF BREATH

SLEEP IS A LUXURY THEY DON'T NEED

...A SNEAK PREVIEW OF DEATH

BELLADONNA IS YOUR FLOWER

MANSLAUGHTER YOUR MEAT

SPEND A YEAR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

ON THE EDGE OF BEASLEY STREET

WHERE THE ACTION ISN'T

THAT'S WHERE IT IS

STATE YOUR POSITION

VACANCIES EXIST

IN AN X-CERTIFICATE EXERCISE

EX-SERVICEMEN EXCRETE

KEITH JOSEPH SMILES AND A BABY DIES

IN A BOX ON BEASLEY STREET

FROM THE BOARDING HOUSES AND THE BEDSHEETS FULL OF

...ACCIDENTS AND FLEAS

SOMEBODY GETS IT

WHERE THE MISSING PERSONS FREEZE

WEARING DEAD MEN'S OVERCOATS

YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR FEET

A RIFF JOINT SHUTS - OPENS UP

RIGHT DOWN ON BEASLEY STREET

CARS COLLIDE, COLOURS CLASH

DISASTER MOVIE STUFF

FOR A MAN WITH THE FU MANCHU MOUSTACHE

REVENGE IS NOT ENOUGH

THERE'S A DEAD CANARY ON A SWIVEL SEAT

THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE ROAD

MEANWHILE ON BEASLEY STREET

SILENCE IS THE CODE

HOT BENEATH THE COLLAR

...AN INSPECTOR CALLS

WHERE THE PERISHING STINK OF SQUALOR

...IMPREGNATES THE WALLS

THE RATS HAVE ALL GOT RICKETS

THEY SPIT THROUGH BROKEN TEETH

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS NOT CRICKET

CAUGHT OUT ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE HIPSTER AND HIS HIRED HAT

DRIVE A BORROWED CAR

YELLOW SOCKS AND A PINK CREVAT

NOTHING LA-DI-DAH

O-A-P

MOTHER-TO-BE

WATCH THE THREE-PIECE SUITE

WHEN SHITSTOPPER DRAINS

AND CROCODILE SKIS

ARE SEEN ON ...BEASLEY STREET

THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND

...A ONE-EYED MAN IS KING

BEAUTY PROBLEMS ARE REDEFINED

...THE DOORBELLS DO NOT RING

A LIGHT BULB BURST LIKE A BLISTER

THE ONLY FORM OF HEAT

WHERE A FELLOW SELLS HIS SISTER

...DOWN THE RIVER ON BEASLEY STREET

THE BOYS ARE ON THE WAGON

THE GIRLS ARE ON THE SHELF

THEIR COMMON PROBLEM IS

...THAT THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE ELSE

THE DIRT BLOWS OUT

THE DUST BLOWS IN

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT NEAT

IT'S A FULLY FURNISHED DUSTBIN

...SIXTEEN BEASLEY STREET

VINCE THE AGEING SAVAGE

BETRAYS NO KIND OF LIFE

...BUT THE SMELL OF YESTERDAY'S CABBAGE

AND THE GHOST OF LAST YEAR'S WIFE

THROUGH A CONSTANT HAZE

OF DEODORANT SPRAYS

HE SAYS ...RETREAT

ALSATIANS DOG THE DIRTY DAYS

DOWN THE MIDDLE OF BEASLEY STREET

PEOPLE TURN TO POISON

QUICK AS LAGER TURNS TO PISS

SWEETHEARTS ARE PHYSICALLY SICK

EVERY TIME THEY KISS

IT'S A SOCIOLOGIST'S PARADISE

EACH DAY REPEATS

UNEASY, CHEASY, GREASY, QUEASY

...BEASTLY, BEASLEY STREET

EYES DEAD AS VICIOUS FISH

LOOK AROUND FOR LAUGHS

IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE WISH

I WOULD BE A PHOTOGRAPH

ON A PERMANENT MONDAY MORNING

GET LOST OR FALL ASLEEP

WHEN THE YELLOW CATS ARE YAWNING

AROUND THE BACK OF BEASLEY STREET